Being a ‘mean girl’ is exhausting. I have seen so much shaaade on Twitter this week that it got me thinking.
As a teenager I treated it like the film, it was somewhat fun to be mean. The ‘you can’t sit with us’ attitude. Being part of a hierarchy. And it seemed to be an accepted part of growing up. Girls can just be really mean to each other.
But most of us grow up and move on. You get more insecurities, you don’t need to surround yourself with people you don’t get along with and we generally (most of us anyway) stop being so nasty to each other.
I feel for the teenagers who grow up with social media these days. It must be so overwhelming. I find it overwhelming now and I am probably considered too old to care! For me, we had MSN Messenger and the only shade thrown was if you weren’t in someones top 9 on Myspace!
The sad truth is, I do care. It does get me down if people unfollow me or don’t like my pictures on Instagram and it can hurt my feelings if I don’t feel I have done something well, especially when I really tried, because I am only human and to an extent I want to feel part of something. I want to fit in.
Being quite a sensitive person (although not as much as I used to be) I considered putting myself out there in the blogging world a big no no because I was so worried about being judged. It was easier to blend in the crowd. I never tried to be different. To put myself out there.
To be honest, I have only felt comfortable enough to post the type of content I have wanted to in the past month or so. Even smiling in pictures (something I have always been very self conscious of) is something I am throwing caution to the wind with and just..doing! Sometimes I do look like Chandler with that awkward grimace but i’m trying. And people are being nice to me about it! They might even like my content more because I don’t have that resting b*tch face painted on all the time.
As I get older, playing the mean girl is affecting me more. My anxiety is definitely heightened by it. But, i’m good at it. Perhaps I shouldn’t admit to something so negative, but I am. A big part of my job is to question people, be cynical, be mean and effectively get my own way. Sometimes I feel as though people see an image of me and think that I will be a pushover. I look young, they think I will be meek and I really like to prove them wrong. My words can be spitting (hell hath no fury, eh).
This is something I find really hard to detach from real life. But apart from coming across as a Grade A *****, who does it really affect? These people will go home thinking I am a nasty piece of work, and I worry about that. Of course, they will move on but the impression of me will always be negative. To see my name on an email and groan, to think that i’m just..mean!
I don’t want to be known as a mean girl. Because in truth it’s me that goes home and gets worked up about a conversation that went too far, feels down and worries about how I am perceived but I have also put that version of myself out there, calculating my next move to get my own way, so who is really to blame?
This has been a big discussion with Peter (and in my own head) recently. Because as I said, being mean is exhausting and I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore.
What I need to do is work on myself, I need to unlearn all these negative words and actions and consider my happiness, and the happiness of others because the truth is that words hurt.